


who's gonna catch me when I fall? (are you?)

by HotFuckingMess (moonchild734)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I promise, M/M, Minor Cha Hakyeon | N/Jung Taekwoon | Leo, Minor Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Oh Sehun, Minor Park Chanyeol/Wu Yi Fan | Kris, Past Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongdae | Chen, Past Byun Baekhyun/Kim Taeyeon, Past Relationship(s), Sucky tags, all he wants is love, and im tired, and whoever guesses the song i took the title from gets a cookie, baekhyun is just sad okay, but he cant seem to find it in the right places, but it gets better okay, cant forget that, fluff???, i know but its almost 3 am, implied themes of depression, it starts out kinda heavy, my sucky attempt at humor too, past unhealthy relationships, until he does
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 17:55:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14920125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonchild734/pseuds/HotFuckingMess
Summary: Baekhyun just wants to find love. It's the only thing he wants most in life, but it honestly seems hopeless for him to even try anymore, not when it means breaking pieces of himself off in order to get only an bits of affection back. But what if his new neighbors are the key to finding that happiness?WILL COME BACK TO ADD MORE AT LATER DATE





	1. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baekhyun moves into his new apartment. It doesn't exactly go as planned....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Back with another fic, this time, more angstier than my other two  
> It's more of an experimental fic I'm trying here  
> This is only the first chapter  
> the others should be uploaded soon  
> I'm currently finishing up the end now, so expect those next chapters soon!  
> Lol, that's really all I gotta say.  
> So, enjoy the story
> 
> (and i apologize in advance if it's hella cringey)

“That's the last of it...right Byun?”  
Baekhyun laughed, patting Chanyeol on the back as he leaned against the wall, catching his breath.  
“Yep, that's it!” He chirped, glancing around the plain room nearly filled with brown, cardboard boxes.  
“You have...way too many things.” He groaned, sighing in relief when a cool water bottle was pressed against his cheek.  
“Thank you, baby.” He mumbled, eyes closing as fingers ran through his sweaty hair. He received a soft hum in reply. Chanyeol circled an arm around Yifan's waist, nuzzling his nose into his neck. Yifan giggled, moving to hold the water bottle against his neck as he continued to comb through Chanyeol's matted hair. _They make such a cute picture._ He thought, lips quirked up into a small smile. He couldn't help but feel slightly envious, though. His smile dropped, his body suddenly feeling cold. He swallowed, balling his hands into fists as he forced himself to scoff.

“You two are adorably _disgusting_.” He hoped they didn't notice the slight waver to his voice. Thankfully, they were too wrapped up in one another to even respond to his comment, let alone notice his odd tone. He sighed, turning around to leave them to themselves. Walking into the next room, he reached down in his pocket, needing to scroll through his insta feed for cute puppies. Puppies will help me cheer up. He blinked when his pocket felt empty. Freaking out a bit, he felt his other pocket. Empty. He inhaled, trying to calm his nerves as he darted his eyes across the various boxes littering his apartment floor. _Fuck, where the fuck is my phone!?_ He turned around and walked back into the living room. Distantly, he registered that Yifan and Chanyeol were lounging on the couch. He didn't see his phone anywhere, the pink ice cream case too noticeable to be looked over.

“Hey, have you guys seen my-” He stopped himself when Yifan shot him a glare. Pushing a finger to his lips, he nodded at Chanyeol, who was resting his head in the crook of his neck.  
“Have you seen my phone?” He whispered, giving Yifan a sheepish smile. He rolled his eyes but shook his head.  
'Your car?’ He mouthed. Baekhyun blinked, before slapping his forehead lightly. _Of course it'd be there._ He sent Yifan a thankful smile before walking out the door.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Yifan had left with a sleepy Chanyeol about an hour ago. Baekhyun was currently scrolling through the puppy instagrams he followed, cocooned in the first blanket he could find. He was sprawled out on his bare mattress, honestly too tired to make it when he still needed a new bed frame.  
“If only I could be a puppy. Getting tons of love, affection and food. For free nonetheless. Now that's living the life.” He joked, snorting quietly and feeling the tiniest bit embarrassed for talking to himself. He ignored the feeling, though, already used to his odd habits. He was currently clad in a dark grey hoodie, lips unconsciously pouting and droopy eyes covered by his oversized hood. _Sounds better than being alone, trying to make connections only to be disappointed in the end._ He grimaced, clutching his phone tighter at the thought. He shook his head, hand relaxing when coming across more puppy pictures. He liked another picture, heart warming when a corgi’s large eyes stared up at his, tongue out and ears perked up.

“So cute.” He cooed, smile blinding as he saved the picture. _Sue me! I love cute dogs and their pictures._ He thought, already hearing the teasing Sehun would do once he saw his gallery. He scrolled down, mood dampening when he caught sight of the picture buried in a sea of dogs and random selfies. It was an innocent enough picture. In reality, however, it held so many memories, so many emotions that had his chest twisting in pain. His eyes grew a wetter the longer he looked, knuckles turning white as he gripped his blanket tight around himself; vainly trying to comfort his shattered heart as he stared helplessly at his phone.

The picture itself wasn't anything out of the ordinary; Baekhyun was putting up a peace sign, smiling his box-shaped smile while an attractive young man wrapped an arm around his shoulders, smiling just as brightly into the camera. The shot was blurry and both of their faces were flushed from the cold, but the happiness in their eyes was unmistakable. He ran his eyes over the male; a cat like grin, curly brown hair and dark eyes that sparkled brightly, even with the shitty quality of the camera. Baekhyun suddenly felt like crying, hands shaking and heart beat thundering in his ears. 

_It's been seven years Byun. Why are you still like this?_ He held down on the picture, not even hesitating when he clicked the 'archive’ button. He couldn't-- _wouldn't_ \-- delete the picture. It was too precious, too personal, too _sacred_ for him to get rid of completely. _It's been seven years since we broke up. Seven years since we've talked, why would he remember me? He's been so busy traveling the world with CVX, it'd be unrealistic of me to even think he'd remember our times together._ He glanced over at the box sitting on the couch, it holding all of his hard copies of albums he's collected over the years, including the albums Jong--his ex had featured on, as well as all three of CVX’s albums and his solo album.

“Am I stupid?” He asked no one in particular, thumb clicking his phone closed as he turned over, staring at the bumpy white paint of his new ceiling.  
“Is it cruel of me to continue doing this to myself?” He spoke softly, eyes staring blankly at the shadows casted against his ceiling. He'd been in countless relationships ever since he broke things off. None of his relationships even lasted a full year. His most recent serious relationship, Taeyeon, had broken up with him after eleven months. It wasn't like it was unexpected, though. He's more surprised that it went on as long as it did. 

He wasn't as obtuse as some people believed; he could read between the lines, could read when someone was getting tired of his constant presence. He knew from the beginning that things wouldn't work out. She was always the passive one in the relationship. Never initiating contact, never the one to reciprocate kisses or hugs. But he wanted, _needed_ , to hope, to think that just maybe he finally found someone he could spend his life comfortably with. He tried to make it work, god did he _try_. Sending her good morning and good night texts, surprising her with flowers and breakfast in bed, taking her out on dates. Doing everything a couple should do, but it never felt the same. 

His feelings never felt reciprocated, but he still tried, still ignored the blatant signs and beating his heart was taking. The biggest red flag was the lack of intimacy between them. He wasn't one to always need sex, but the one time they tried, she was clearly uncomfortable with his touch. They stopped right there and he never brought it up. He would've brushed it off as her being asexual, or just not ready when he stumbled across a vibrator mixed in with the clothes as he did laundry one day. Did it necessarily mean she was using it? Maybe, maybe not. But it still hurt, had been like a suckerpunch to the gut. That had his eyes opening from the denial he'd been putting his mind through and he finally had to accept that she didn't want him, not like he did her.

But finding that vibrator had to hurt the most, even after the break up. Being unwanted emotionally was a common occurrence in his love life, but someone being repulsed by his touch? By his looks? It shook him to the core and he started doubting his body, his ability to attract someone. The fear of being unattractive just added to his self loathing and logically, he knew it made no sense. He still turned heads whenever he went out, but emotions didn't always run on logic, now did they? Emotional intimacy was always something that was rare with his past lovers, even with the kinder ones, but what always caught their interest were his looks. If he couldn't get her to stay because of his personality, then his looks would do, right? Except they wouldn't, not in this case. And that hurt.

By then, they were at five months and Baekhyun felt he invested too much time into just...give up. He was tired, and she was too. They barely even texted after he found the vibrator; foolishly giving it her when she got home from work that evening. All she did was stare blankly, before saying a soft thank you and disappearing to her room for the night. That only dug the knife in deeper, chest feeling like it was being crushed with an anvil as he trudged off to bed that night. 

It didn't so much as shock him, but numb him when she eventually broke things off. Over text no less, just adding insult to injury. _I'm not feeling us anymore, Baekhyun_ she wrote, the entire exchange sounding forced; business like as she broke his heart, just as so many others had. _Anyone would be lucky to have you, but I'm not that someone you need._ He scoffed at the memory, but it sounded more like a choked off sob to his ears. His chest felt...it just hurt so bad. Yearned for air like he was suffocating, lungs burning as he gasped in pain. Tears blurred his vision, breath coming out in ragged gasps, fingernails digging crescents into the skin of his palms. _You're not good enough. You're doing something wrong. You need to try harder._ _ **You're not good enough.**_ He shook, arms coming up to hold himself as he counted back from one hundred. He had to start over a few times, but he eventually calmed his breathing enough to torture himself even more with memories. His closed his eyes, tears falling as he silently hiccuped.

Just two weeks after, did he spot her. He was walking out of his favorite bakery at the time, biting into a jelly filled donut as he hailed down a taxi. He looked over to the cafe nearby, debating on lunch options when he saw a familiar head of strawberry blonde hair. Laughing, smiling, _being happy_ , while hanging onto one of her girl friends. He would've just chalked it up to them hanging out until she planted a kiss on her cheek, blushing as everyone else teased her. He didn't even feel angry; didn't feel insulted that she turned out to be into girls. No, he just felt...numb; dead to the world as his heart shattered even further. And somehow, it made sense that she didn't find him attractive. It made his mood lift for a split second before the numbness took over again. There was one question on his mind, however. The one question that always plagued him after their relationship ended. Why? Why bother playing with someone's emotions, time and energy when you know for a fact that you aren't even the slightest bit interested? Why bother faking, and not even well, that you want a relationship? Do you not feel guilty? Do you not care? Does it even occur to you how much the relationship meant? _Why, why, why._

It took about a week before he moved on, chest feeling empty and mouth tasting of iron as he made out with a random guy in the bathroom of a club. The smell of smoke, piss and alcohol filled his nostrils as he tried to lose himself for one night in the warm body of another. It worked, until he woke up the next day, bruises covering his hips, hickies painting dark trails along his neck and iron taste sitting on the back of his tongue; mocking his weakness, his desperate longing for love, even if he knew it was purely sexual. Their ‘friends with benefits’ fling predictably didn't last, just two weeks before Kihyun found someone else to fuck around with; not even sparing Baekhyun a glance before he aggressively made out with a boy in front of him. His heart shattered yet again and the cycle began anew, self loathing and doubts about his appearance only growing. Partner after partner; countless nights where he hoped they would stay, hope that this would finally be the one. In each and every one, he was disappointed. Did he still love them, even after they left him, broke him, ruined him to the point where he couldn't even look at himself some days without feeling sick? Yes, because that's what Baekhyun was; a lover. He loved too easily, was ready to give up everything for the first person to show they cared; it was one of his biggest faults. He gave, and gave, and gave what he could, hoping, praying, for an ounce of affection back. Even when all they did was take, and take, and take until he had no more to give, he still found a way. Broke off pieces of himself to give, and felt all the more disgusted with himself for it.

He knew his friends hated that part about himself. (Sometimes, he did too.) Knew that everytime he showed up with a new boyfriend or girlfriend, they would already be prepping the ice cream, tissues and movie nights for when Baekhyun would need them after the inevitable break up. And even if--when-- that happened, they would still be there. Had he lost friends because of his relationships? Yes. They couldn't watch Baekhyun wither away after every break up, only to start over again with a new lover. Some even called him a slut, a whore for having so many exes. Did he believe them? There were times where he doubted himself, but he knew he wasn't like that. He didn't do it for the sex, he just wanted to find love; to find the affection he lacked when he was younger, when his mother died and his father drunk himself into an early grave, dying of liver poisoning when he was ten.

But his true friends, the friends that actually cared about him, the ones he could go to in his darkest hour, the ones who understood his past and why he craved love like some addict, have always stayed. He's so grateful that no one in his group--Chanyeol, Yifan, Sehun and Kyungsoo-- left. He honestly wouldn't know what to do with himself if he didn't have his pillars. They were his strength, his peace, his repreve from the world and his own horribly cracked heart when he couldn't handle anything anymore. I'm so lucky to have them. _I wouldn't...I wouldn't be here without them._ He brought a hand up to his face, wiping away the tears away from his cheeks. He suddenly felt exhausted, the walk down memory lane tiring him out even more. _Moving was supposed to be good, was supposed to make me feel better. To start anew, start over with a clean slate. It hasn't even been a full day and I'm already a mess._ He sighed shakily, heart pounding in his ears as he curled in on himself. He didn't care what time it was, didn't have the energy to pick up his phone and check. _I just want to sleep._ He thought, burying his face into the bare mattress as he let himself be dragged into a dreamless slumber.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baekhyun meets his new neighbors and...oh hell, not again!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, the summary kinda makes this chapter sound funnier than it actually is  
> speaking of humor, this chapter is featuring my shitty brand of humor  
> mostly Baekhyun fangirling over his two neighbors  
> You know how it is  
> Enjoy the chapter!

It was two weeks after moving in that he noticed the moving van sitting near the curb of his street. 

He was relaxing on his balcony, barefoot and sitting cross legged, drinking a cup of tea as he watched the world move below him. He usually did this as a way to calm his nerves, as well as a way to soothe his throat. Working as a vocal coach was fun and something he would never give up, but the strain on his voice always was a side effect he could live without. About an hour into his relaxation time, he heard voices and car doors opening. He didn't think much of it, already used to the bustling sounds of the city. Instead, he took another sip of his tea and pulled out his phone. He glanced at the black screen, blinking when the sun hit his face, turning his large, brown eyes into glittering amber gems behind his gold, thin wire framed glasses. He grinned, opening his phone and clicking on the camera icon. After a minute of finding the right angle, making sure his face and hoodie were captured, he quickly snapped a shot. 

“The sun is finally working with me today.” He mumbled, clicking on Instagram and posting the picture with a small caption of _lazy Sunday_. He chuckled, the amount of likes and cute comments making his chest feel warm. He had a sizeable following, Chanyeol teasingly calling him 'Insta famous’, even though he was the same way with his own followers, affectionately dubbing them _yeolmaes_. It also helps that he's a rookie producer, his music being fairly popular and gaining him a shit ton of followers; way more than Baekhyun could ever hope to gain. He wasn't jealous, though. He was more than happy enough with his following, and sometimes...sometimes when he felt the heavy fear of never finding someone, the ugliness and burden of his own mind...the comments about himself made things just a tad bit brighter; helped convince him that he wasn't ugly and deserved to find love just as any other decent human being. Just thinking about his followers made him smile, pushing his glasses up when they started to slip down.

 _Days like this aren't so bad._ He thought, draining the rest of his tea before getting up. He raised his arms above his head, groaning at the burn as he stretched his stiff muscles. He scratched his head, hand coming back slightly greasy as he let the red strands slip through his fingers.  
“I need a shower.” He grunted, glancing around the block for a moment before turning to go back into his apartment. He blinked, jerking back around when he registered the orange moving van, leaning over his balcony to get a closer look. He promptly choked on his spit when he caught sight of two men carrying boxes from out of the van, nearly dropping his mug as he tried not to fall over. _Holy shit...they're fucking ripped. Oh my god, they're the prettiest men I've ever seen???_ The one near the back of the van was pale, hair black, curly and, slightly hiding his eyes. He was wearing a black tank top and dark sweatpants that clung to the backs of his thighs and ass as he bent over. _Doesn't he...like, feel..that?_ He wondered, cheeks flushing when all he could do was stare at the supple curve, flushing deeper when he realized how hard he was staring. Feeling like a creep, Baekhyun gulped, tearing his eyes away from the tempting sight to ogle at the other man, wearing a white tank top and khaki cargo shorts. His tan skin glistened under the sun and his arm muscles bulged when he hefted another box into his arms, flipping his light pink hair out of his face as he spoke to the other man, voice slightly muffled because of the distance.

“Oh sweet baby Jesus…” He whispered, mouth dropping in shock as the pale man nodded and the pink haired one walked into the building, _his_ apartment building. _Are...are they moving in?!_ His heart thumped in his chest, breath high in his throat as he scanned the other man up and down. _This is creepy right? Maybe? I feel like it is. But can you blame me? They're like...so beautiful??_ After the pale man grabbed another box, his own arms flexing as he balanced himself, he turned around. Baekhyun squeaked, face burning as he made eye contact with the stranger. Said stranger blinked, before throwing a friendly smile towards Baekhyun. He smiled back sheepishly, waving his hand weakly as embarrassment threatened, to swallow him whole. _Oh my God, does he think I'm a creep? I was staring pretty hard. Oh God, I knew I was being weird! Please don't let him think I'm a creep._ The man gave one last smile, before walking into the building. Baekhyun sighed, turning around and leaning against his balcony as he tried to calm his heart.

“Jesus, Baekhyun, just chill. They might not be moving in next to you.” He scolded, gripping his mug tightly. _And if they are, you might've just scared them away by being a weirdo._ He thought, pouting as he rubbed a thumb over his mug slowly. _Hopefully, I didn't. They look like nice people. It doesn't hurt that they look like fucking models either._ He smirked to himself a bit, gently setting the mug on a nearby table.  
“Hopefully, we can be friends at least.” He muttered, resting his hands on the balcony rail. He breathed in, tilting his head back. He let the sun warm his cheeks and skin of his throat. _Ah, this has to be my favorite part of spring. Where it isn't too hot to wear a hoodie, and it isn't too cold to just let the sun warm your body._ He smiled, eyes closing as he hummed softly. _I'll take a shower in a moment. Let me just...enjoy this for awhile longer._ He thought, already feeling his heart rate slow, the warmth setting his mind at peace.

He never noticed two sets of eyes watching him, and the long column of his throat, as he practically melted under the sun's gentle rays.

**[04*04*04]**

They did in fact, move into the apartment next to his. He didn't realize that the usually empty balcony to the right of his own was filled until a week and a half after spotting them. It was a bit surprising that he hadn't seen his neighbors yet, but maybe they had an irregular schedule? He usually woke up at around 4 a.m and left his apartment at around 5:30. His hours lasted from 6 a.m to 7 p.m. It was a bit long, but his students all needed different times and worked around different schedules, as most of them were going to school; whether it be college, high school or even as young as middle school. Currently, he had about twenty to thirty five students per week, his longest hours per lesson being up to 75 minutes, and shortest being 30. Saturdays and Sundays were usually his easy days; Sunday being his off day and Saturday only working 3 to 4 hours.

It was that Saturday afternoon, lounging once again on the hard stone of his balcony floor, that he saw the items filling up the balcony over. He noticed two bean bag chairs, one dark pink and the other light grey, a small wooden table and various potted plants and flowers decorating the concrete floor. There was a small radio sitting on the table, as well as a bowl of hard candies and a red candle. _Maybe that's them._ He thought absently, cheeks flushing when remembering the slightly embarrassing way he encountered one of the two men. He shook it off, stomach rumbling once his nose caught the scent of cookies. He longingly looked across the street, _Eau De Vixx’s_ blinking sign catching his eye. _I want to...but I'm tryna cut back._ He poked his slightly pudgy stomach. Said beast only growled in protest, weakening his resolve when the phantom taste of Taekwoon’s freshly baked sugar cookies filled his mouth. He bit his lip, hunger and stomach winning in the end of his fruitless struggle against sweets.

“Maybe just...one cookie.” _Or twenty._ He quickly stood up, unfortunately, standing up so fast that he stubbed his bare toe against the metal bars.  
“Ow!” He hissed, holding his toe and glaring at the offending piece of metal.  
“Jesus fucking Christ, this shit hurts.” He whined, hopping up and down as he tried to will away the pain.  
“...Are you alright?”  
Baekhyun froze, eyes slowly connecting with a familiar pair as his mouth dropped open. He could only stare dumbly at the pale man as his voice echoed in his ears. The man raised an eyebrow, amusement clearly coloring his dark eyes as he leaned against the balcony, shirt slightly riding up and showing off his hips, and the sharp v-line leading into… _Bad Baekhyun!!! Answer the kind man and stop staring!_  
“I'm fine!” He said, blushing when it came out cracked and oh so _loud_ in the quiet air.  
“Just..stubbed my, ah, toe.” He stuttered, foot going back down on the ground and hands gripping each other tightly behind himself. _Oh god, please don't be weird, please don't be weird._ Put him in a club with a thick layer of eyeliner and tight leather pants, he's as confident as can be (or he could at least fake it). Take him outside that, however, and you're stuck with a bumbling adult who acts like teenager who doesn't know how to people correctly. His friends called it endearing; he just calls it socially awkward. The man nodded, mouth quirked up into a half smirk and wow his lips are so pink and his bottom one is so full and looks so soft and kissable and _pull your head out of the fucking gutter Byun._

“So you're my neighbor!” _Oh sweet Lord please kill me._ The man, thankfully, only seemed even more amused by his...behavior.  
“Yeah, we moved in a week ago.” He smiled, arms pulling up to cross against his chest, hip cocking as he continued.  
“It's a nice neighborhood, and the place is surprisingly well kept.”  
Baekhyun smiled slightly, body relaxing as he leaned against his balcony, shivering when the cool metal touched his bare elbows.  
“Totally! The tenant before you, my friend Sehun, used to live there. His boyfriend is a huge clean freak, so he always cleaned the place when he came over.” He said, laughing a little at the memory of a disgruntled Kyungsoo scrubbing the kitchen counter while Sehun took out the trash, huffing and whining all the way. The man laughed too.  
“Sehun was really messy?”  
Baekhyun snorted. “He's not as bad as he was during college, but man! I'm talking about clothes thrown about, pizza boxes and chinese take out tossed onto the floor, dirty underwear in the sink. That last one doesn't even make sense though. How do you get dirty underwear anywhere near the sink?! I don't even want to think about how bad his _bedroom_ is.” He shuddered playfully, smile growing brighter when he heard the man laugh again.  
“His place was only ever clean when Kyungsoo came over! Even then, it'd take less than an hour before all his hard work was ruined.” He sighed, shaking his head as he leaned it against his hand.

“Wow, sounds like a piece of work.” The man said, eyes sparkling in mirth.  
“Yeah, he's a bit spoiled. He's an only child, ya know.” He whispered the last part behind his hand, a bit surprised at how comfortable he got with a man he was just making a fool out of himself in front of. _I guess he just makes me feel...at ease?_ The man nodded wisely, mouth twitching up as he tried to hide his smile.  
“I do know, I am one myself. And I can say, I am pretty selfish.” He said, gaze solemn as he stared at Baekhyun. He choked, covering his mouth as he tried to hold in his chuckles. There was just something hilarious about the way he said it, the way his face looked so blank, his monotone voice, that had Baekhyun letting out a loud laugh.

“It wasn't even that funny...but-” He was cut off by another round of giggles. He distantly heard the man’s low chuckles but couldn't focus enough to be sure. After another moment of laughter, he finally calmed down enough to catch his breath. His face felt warm and he was smiling so hard that he felt his eyes crinkle up. It really wasn't that funny but something about the man made him want to break all his walls down. I'm already doing that enough, aren't I?  
“You have a cute laugh.”  
Baekhyun blinked, face flushing under the soft smile the man sent him.  
“T..thank you…” He mumbled, shyly lowering his eyes as he filed with his fingers.  
“You...um, have a-”  
“Xingie, babe, where's my keys?!” A deep voice shouted from the open door, surprising both men. Baekhyun blinked, mouth parting softly as the voice rang in his ears. _Xingie, babe_. Babe. Term of endearment usually used between people and usually said in an intimate manner. _Oh, well...it's not like I wasn't expecting this. I guess friends is what we'll probably end up being._ He still felt the crushing weight of disappointment hit his chest as he watched Xingie turn around.  
“Did you check near the coffee pot?” He called, rolling his eyes at the sounds of dishes clattering together.  
“I'm sorry about him, he's a bit of a mess.” He said, eyes fond as he stared at nothing in particular. Baekhyun swallowed, the same taste of iron overwhelming his tongue as he forced a nod.  
“Yeah, seems like quite the character.” He joked, smile feeling brittle as he curled his fingers together. Xingie chuckled.

“He is. But he's also really adorable and sweet, so it kinda balances out the messiness.” He said, crooked grin dimpling his right cheek. Baekhyun's heart broke and simultaneously soared at the appearance. _You're really adorable too, especially with that dimple._ His thoughts sounded pathetic, even in his own mind and he kinda wanted to jump off his balcony and plummet onto the concrete below. He's only seen this guy once and he already had Baekhyun falling hard. _Fucking fantastic._ Before he could say anything else, a whine was heard and a head poked out from the door.

Ruffled pink hair, puppy dog brown eyes, plush lips fixed into a pout and the beginnings of broad shoulders clad in a tight blue shirt greeted him. Baekhyun was seriously tempted to just take the plunge, heart already breaking with how beautiful his two neighbors were up close, how fucking _unfair_ it was that they were a couple, and how pathetic he was for falling for them both anyway. _I know I fall in love fast but...but this is just fucking ridiculous!_ He bemoaned, teeth gritting as he tried to keep his cool. He really didn't wanna ugly cry in front of these two. He would really take the fucking plunge then.  
“Baaaabe.” He whined, eyes glistening slightly as he pouted at Xingie. _How can a man be so cute???_  
“They aren't there.” 

Xingie sighed. “Mr. Neighbor, meet my boyfriend, Jongin. Jongin, meet our neighbor.” He said dryly, hand lazily pointing to each man respectively. Baekhyun curled his toes, the word boyfriend echoing in his mind as he stared at Jongin. Remembering that he was being spoken to, he waved. The pain softened slightly when Jongin yelped and stood to his full height, pink flush coloring his tan skin and he bowed messily. _He's fucking precious._  
“Nice to meet you Mr. Neighbor.” He said, voice suddenly timid as he gazed shyly at Baekhyun. _Oh hell._  
“Baekhyun. It's Baekhyun.” He smiled, inwardly screaming and cooing. He bowed too, hoping his expression was kept in a semi normal smile. “Nice to meet you too, Jongin.” He mentally patted himself on the back when his voice came out calm and warm, the exact opposite of his current mood.  
“Baekhyun.” Xingie mumbled thoughtfully, finger looping through Jongin's belt loops.  
“That's my name, don't wear it out.” His voice cracked on the last syllable, heart doing the same when he saw how _naturally_ he touched Jongin, neither realizing he was doing something so intimate. Xingie smiled.  
“Yixing. My name is Yixing.”  
Baekhyun blinked, and tried the name on his tongue. It took a few tries to get the syllables out right, but the proud look on both of their faces made it worth it.

“Nice to meet you too, Yixing.”  
Yixing nodded, smiling softly, before he sighed.  
“I'd love to stay and talk more, but this _child_ -” he smirked at Jongin's whine, “Needs my help finding his keys.”  
Baekhyun shrugged, swallowing again to clear his burning throat.  
“No problemo compadre.” He said, high school Spanish randomly coming to his mind as he spoke.  
“Go help him find your keys, I've got a date tonight anyway.” He joked, laughing at their shocked expressions.  
“D..date?” Jongin asked, biting his bottom lip as his brows furrowed. Baekhyun swallowed, forcing a smile as he responded.  
“Yeah, a date with my couch and a large pepperoni pineapple pizza.”  
Jongin laughed and Yixing seemed to sigh in... relief? _Weird._  
“Well, we'll leave you to your date then, Baekhyun.” He said, pushing Jongin into their apartment.  
“See you later!” Jongin called before Yixing shut the door with a quiet 'click’. Baekhyun swallowed again, the iron taste resting in the back of his mouth as he walked slowly back into his own apartment. His stomach churned, the thought of actually eating both revolting and making his stomach grumble. _Taekwoon, I'll visit Eau De Vixx later. For now, I think I'll have a slice of pineapple pepperoni pizza before crying myself to sleep._

He was only kidding about _one_ of those things.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some surprising revelations are made...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-reading through these chapters now kinda makes me feel like Baek's personality is a bit jarring?  
> idk, maybe it's just me  
> comment if you think it it, lol  
> i spent so much time writing this damn fic   
> so sorry if these little notes and summaries get lazier and lazier as we go along  
> it's already pretty late now]  
> anyway, enjoy the chapter and i hope this isn't too cringey

“Mr. Byun?”  
Baekhyun blinked, closing his classroom door as he looked to his left.  
“Luhan? What are you doing here so late? Our session ended an hour ago.” He asked, frowning when Luhan shrugged, eyes downcast.  
“Mom...mom forgot today was lesson day, I guess. And my phone died, so…” He shot Baekhyun a sheepish look. Baekhyun held in a sigh. He knew how busy his mother was, but to forget your own kid? Honestly. _Maybe she should take a break from work if she's forgetting about her own son._  
“Why didn't you let someone know? I'm pretty sure Mrs. Lee would've let you borrow her phone.” He questioned, pulling out his own device. Luhan fidgeted.  
“I...Mrs. Lee is... she's scary.”   
Baekhyun chuckled. He couldn't deny that Mrs. Lee was intimidating.  
“Have you just been sitting here in this heat the entire time?” He handed his phone over, lightly fanning himself. Luhan shrugged, fingers tapping away on his phone.  
“S’not so bad. I had water.” He mumbled, holding the phone up to his ear. Baekhyun doubted that, but said nothing as Luhan called his mother.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

“She isn't answering?” Baekhyun huffed, crossing his legs as he rolled up the sleeves to his dress shirt. They had moved to sit on a bench when standing became a little too taxing in the heat.   
“She must be in a meeting.” Luhan sighed, but he didn't seem too upset.   
“Meeting?” Baekhyun questioned, reclining back on the bench.  
“Yeah, she's working overtime so we can visit my grandma in a few weeks.” He said, shrugging.  
“Ah, well, do you want me to take you home?” Luhan blushed a bit, shaking his head.  
“N..no, it's fine! Um, I can just call my uncle.” Baekhyun raised an eyebrow at Luhan's behavior, but shrugged.  
“Mkay, I'll stay with you until he comes then.” Luhan was about to protest but Baekhyun held up a hand.  
“No student of mine is going to wait here alone! Besides, it's not like I have a life outside of work.” He laughed, ruffling Luhan's hair. Luhan grumbled but couldn't hide a smile as he dialed his uncle. Baekhyun knew he picked up when Luhan started spitting rapid fire Mandarin. _Makes me wish I took Mandarin in college instead of French._ Baekhyun thought, watching Luhan talk with his uncle. After another moment, Luhan nodded and hung up.

“He'll be here in less than thirty minutes. He just got off of work, so…” He trailed off awkwardly, handing Baekhyun his phone back. Baekhyun smiled, slipping the phone back into his pocket.  
“He works in the city?” He asked, just to keep the air light and easy. Luhan nodded, eyes lighting up as he talked about his uncle.  
“Yeah! He works as a dance instructor for the University!”   
“So he's a teacher too?”  
Luhan blinked, before nodding.  
“I guess so, but maybe instructor isn't the right word.” He said, cheeks flushing a bit from embarrassment. Baekhyun chuckled.  
“It's alright. Does he teach classes, or…?”  
“Kinda? He only steps in if he needs too. He mostly just handles the other instructors and events for the dance competitions and teams.”  
“So, the head of the dance department?”  
Luhan thought for minute, before nodding. “I guess you could say that.”  
Baekhyun hummed. “How old is he? Being the head of an entire department is a pretty big job.”  
“Oh, he's 29! Turning 30 this October.”  
Baekhyun blinked. “Wow, he's so young to be leading the dance department!”  
Luhan grinned. “Yeah! He was always called a prodigy when he was younger, so he really rose up in the ranks over his career.” Before the boy could add more, a very familiar voice called out his name.  
“Luhan!”  
Baekhyun froze, his heart thumping loudly in his ears as Luhan jumped off the bench.  
“Uncle Yixing!”

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

“I didn't know you were his vocal instructor.” Yixing mumbled, walking behind him into the apartment building. He was hoping to get home before Yixing returned but he just had to pick up those sugar cookies, didn't he. Stupid Taekwoon and his delicious cookies. He grumbled.  
“And I didn't know you were his uncle.” He replied, slipping into the elevator. Yixing said nothing as he walked in behind him, the air not exactly awkward...just heavy. It was silent the whole ride up. Baekhyun couldn't read Yixing's expression, eyes half lidded and blank. They’d only talked a handful of times in the past month, but he didn’t remember Yixing mentioning a nephew. Their talks were mostly about small things; local restaurants to go to, shops that had the cheapest deals, even the drama Mr. Lee had with Ms. Hoon over who was dumping who’s recycles in the wrong bin. They never really mentioned family stuff to one another, but was it that shocking? _It's not...bad that I know Luhan, right? This doesn't make things weird between us, does it? He wanted to ask, but he couldn't bring himself to form the words. He didn't think it was weird, but maybe it was? Oh man, what if he thinks I'm some weird stalker or something._ The thought made him wince. _I hope not._ The elevator dinged and the doors opened up. Baekhyun glanced at Yixing.  
“Well...this is my floor.” He mumbled, mentally knocking his head against a wall. _No shit sherlock! You live on the same floor!_

Yixing snorted, lips quirking up into a half smile as he pushed himself off the wall. _How can you make something like that look so graceful?_  
“Mine too.” He gestured for him to go first and Baekhyun quickly walked out. _Play it cool, Byun. Play. It. Cool._  
“Are you weirded out? Me being Luhan's teacher and all.” He blurted, closing his eyes slowly and thinning his lips. _Fucking_ _ **nailed it!**_ He screamed inside of his head.  
“What? No, why would I be?” Yixing asked, voice showing genuine confusion. Baekhyun shrugged.  
“I don't know, you just seemed..tense s’all.” He heard Yixing sigh.  
“No, no. I'm not mad at you. Just a little upset that Quian didn't remember Luhan's vocal session.” He explained. Baekhyun nodded and there was a pause in the conversation. Baekhyun tried hard to contain his embarrassment. _I'm such a fucking loser._ Taking his silence as uncertainty, Yixing bumped their shoulders together.  
“I'm not mad at you, Baekhyun.” He finished, smiling. Baekhyun returned the smile, inwardly cooing at the dimple that dented his cheek.  
“O...okay, that's a relief.” He said, blushing when Yixing raised an eyebrow.  
“Huh?”  
“O..oh, nothing! Ah, my door's here so I'll see you later! Bye, Yixing!” He rushed, unlocking his door quickly and shutting it, missing Yixing's puzzled expression.

**[04*04*04]**

His stomach grumbled, earning him a few stares from the other passengers as he ducked his head. _That’s what I get for skipping breakfast, I guess. Stupid stomach and need for nutrients._ He thought, gripping his bag in his hand tightly as his stomach continued to embarrass him in public. The torture finally ended when his stop was announced, feet carrying him out of the open doors as he checked his watch.  
“I guess I can stop for a quick bite.” he mumbled, pushing past the crowd of people as he made his way out of the station. He hummed lightly to himself, walking calmly down the street. He spotted his balcony and sped up his walk. 

Before he could cross the street, a familiar voice called out to him.  
“Baekhyun! It’s been awhile since you visited! Come, Taek just made fresh brownies!” He turned and saw Hakyeon, co-owner to _Eau De Vixx._ He smiled, the sight of the bubbly redhead warming his heart as he walked over, ignoring the stares he received because of his friend's outburst.  
“It’s only been two weeks, Hakyeon.” He laughed, linking his arms with the tanned man as he dragged him into the front doors. The smell of sugar, cookies and chocolate filled his nose as he was pulled to a corner table.  
“Two weeks too long! We’ve missed our favorite customer! Now, sit down and we’ll bring out your usual. We have much to discuss.” He finished with a wink, grin mischievous as he slinked off the to kitchen. Baekhyun felt his face flush, not missing the implications of his words. _Does everyone know about my damn crush! It’s only been two months since we’ve met!_ He groaned quietly, covering his face with his hand, but he couldn’t stop his heart from warming at the thought of his cute neighbors. He heard a quiet click and peeked through his fingers to see a slightly flour covered Taekwoon sliding a fresh tray of brownies into the clear case under the counter.

“Hey there, Taekwoon.” He waved, smiling when a small grin was shot his way.  
“Hello there, Baekhyun. Any luck with the neighbors?” He asked softly, dark eyes filled with amusement as Baekhyun flailed.  
“They’re...they’re together for Christ’s sake!” He screeched, glad that it was only them in the bakery. Taekwoon shrugged, a rare smirk on his face as Hakyeon returned with a tray full of sugar cookies, each covered in garishly bright pink frosting.  
“You’re usual!” He chirped, setting the tray down as Taekwoon disappeared back into the kitchen. He smiled, grabbing a cookie and stuffing his face with the sweet treat.  
“Now.” Hakyeon began slyly, sliding into a chair and resting his hands on the table.

“What’s the deal with you and those neighbors of yours?” He asked, laughing when Baekhyun choked on his cookie. He coughed, beating his chest as he tried to clear his airway. Did he expect the question? Yes, but expecting and actually hearing the question asked out loud are two different things. After sufficiently clearing his throat, he shot Hakyeon the most dumbfounded expression he could.  
“Neighbors?” Hakyeon’s unimpressed look had his shoulders hunching in, mood deflating as he traced the checkered magenta cloth on the table.  
“Am...was I being that obvious?” He mumbled.  
“Not in public, but from what Yifan told me...you’ve been sending sappy texts to the group chat, and it’s tipped them off that someone or something has got you like this again.” He raised an eyebrow, eyes completely knowing as he waited for Baekhyun to talk.

“....It’s stupid, right?” He sighed, rubbing his eye as he stared blankly out the window.  
“They’re together for fucks sake, it’s wrong of me to even lo-like them.” He swallowed, teeth digging into his lower lip at his near slip up. _What the actual hell is wrong with me._ He felt a hand hold his, eyes glancing back at Hakyeon’s sympathetic face.  
“It isn’t stupid, Baekhyun. You can’t help how you feel.”  
He wanted to scoff. He knows that for a fact, his past proving that concept perfectly.  
“I know, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like an idiot.” He squeezed the hand holding his, eyes going back to staring at passersby. It was silent, Hakyeon just holding his hand in comfort as he tried not to mope too much. _I could try dating again._ But the thought just made his stomach twist into knots. He didn’t..he didn’t want to do that, but what choice did he have? He couldn’t leave himself pining after someone--someones so untouchable. He would’ve made a move if they were single, maybe if he was bolder, would ask them both on a date. He wasn’t bold Baekhyun, would never really be bold Baekhyun with those two. They were too special for him, too good for someone like him.

“Is that one of them?” Hakyeon’s curious voice brought him out of his mind and he blinked. He looked where Hakyeon was staring and his eyes widened when he saw Jongin staring into the bakery, a pinched look on his face. Baekhyun blushed, noticing how sweaty his bronze skin looked. _Did he go out on a run?_ He wondered, nearly choking when his eyes met Jongin’s from across the street. His brown eyes flashed with something as they traveled to the table. Baekhyun remembered the hand holding his. He blushed, yanking it back as he waved sheepishly at Jongin.

The pinched looked didn’t go away fully, but he gave a small smile and waved back. Baekhyun gestured for him to come over, heart racing when Jongin looked both ways before crossing the road.   
“So..which one is that?” Hakyeon asked, eyes calculating as he watched Jongin cross.  
“Jongin.” Baekhyun mumbled, feeling a little guilty by the harsh way he pulled his hand back. He could tell Hakyeon was okay with it when he waved a hand. Before he could apologize, though, Jongin stepped through the door.  
“Welcome to _Eau De Vixx_ , would you like to try our afternoon special?” Hakyeon asked, standing up and sending a bright smile Jongin’s way. Jongin blinked, smiling back tentatively as he ran his eyes over the interior.  
“Is this a bakery?” He asked, and Baekhyun had to stop himself from swooning. _His voice is so smooth, like honey._ He sighed to himself, plopping his face into his hand as he watched the two interact, smiling when Jongin’s eyes sparkled at the sight of brownies,  
“Can I have a few of those.” He asked, grinning when Hakyeon grabbed tongs and pulled three from the tray. He set them on a plastic plate and slid it over the counter.  
“Here ya go, Jongin!”   
He blinked. “How’d you know my name?”   
Baekhyun hid a groan as Hakyeon shot a shit eating grin his way.  
“Baekhyun told me!” He chirped, leaning on his hand as Jongin turned around.  
“Really?” He murmured, eyes soft as his lips quirked up into a smile.  
“I hope you don’t mind, it just...kind of came out. We saw you across the street and he asked so..I answered.” Baekhyun babbled, cheeks flushing as he looked away. He heard Jongin chuckle before the seat in front of his scratched across the linoleum floor.  
“No, it’s fine.” He laughed, chewing on a brownie as he crossed his legs.  
“Oh.” He replied lamely, brain malfunctioning at the sight of his arms up close. He quickly ripped his eyes away, staring out the window to try and will away the butterflies in his stomach.

The peaceful silence was broken by a crash from the kitchen. Baekhyun flinched, turning to look at Hakyeon concernedly.  
“Uh, is everything-”  
“Hey...Hakyeon? Can I..can I have a little help in here?” Taekwoon called, voice tinged with embarrassment as Hakyeon fondly rolled his eyes.  
“He probably just dropped some dishes. His wrist is still healing a bit, but he’s still too stubborn to ask for my help when it comes to the kitchen.” He huffed, turning around and pushing the doors open.  
“What did you drop now?” His voice asked before the doors swished closed. Baekhyun smiled, shaking his head as he turned back to the window.  
“Baekhyun?”   
He hummed, eyes roaming over the buildings next to his apartment.  
“So, is that Hakyeon guy like, your boyfriend?”  
He choked, whipping his eyes to Jongin. His face was carefully blank, eyes staring directly into Baekhyun’s. _Oh my god, what?_  
“No, no nothing like that! _Oh my god_ , Taekwoon would kill me if I ever thought of dating him!” He laughed, grabbing a cookie off of the plate and taking a bite.  
“Why’d you ask?”   
Jongin shrugged, cheeks a light shade of pink as he shoved another brownie into his mouth.  
“Just..curious.” He said around a mouthful of brownie, bits getting stuck to his lower lip as he swallowed. _Why is that so endearing to me!?_ He wailed, chest warming as Jongin quickly wiped his mouth.  
“Hm, alright then.” He shrugged but didn’t let his question get his hopes up. _He’s probably just curious, like he said._ He glanced at the clock on the wall, gasping when he saw the time.  
“Ah, I didn’t realize how late it was.” He quickly stood up.  
“I’ll see ya later Jongin!” He flashed a quick smile in his direction before hurrying out of the bakery.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It just isn't Baekhyun's day, er, month? months??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) there is a kinda graphic description of vomit towards the end, so if you're squeamish, then you should probably skip that  
> 2) i tried to be as respectful and i do not mean to offend when it comes to my description of how Baekhyun feels. i did tag implied depression themes for a reason and i only wanted to try and describe this mental illness in a different way, something i would say is similar to my experience with it, so i apologize in advance if i offend someone  
> 3) things d get a bit heavier in this chapter and i hope i portrayed the feelings correctly. this is my first time writing something like this, so this story will not be perfect, hell, it's not even polished, so i also apologize for any jarring or out of place lines/scenes. i've been working on this monster for two weeks, so im kind of ready for this thing to be finished. luckily, there's only one more chap before the end!!!!!  
> So, enjoy the chapter!

He opened his eyes slowly, vision blurry for a moment before he could see clearly. Rubbing his eyes, he sat up, ignoring the uncomfortable gurgling of his stomach as he reached for his phone. He checked his phone, sighing when he saw the time. _Only 3:37? I don't have to go in until 7 and even then it’s only Jungyeon today. I have the rest of the day off after her session._ He bit his lip harshly, mood darkening as he gripped his phone tightly. Things at work had been...bleak to say the least. His students dropped from thirty two to thirteen in less than a month. Most had either graduated from college and we're trying out other options, others were moving or simply lost interest in the art. Whatever the case, his schedule cleared up quite a bit and he now has more free time than he could really handle. It was both a blessing and a curse. 

He had more time to spend with Yixing and Jongin, so that was a plus. They've really become his new pillars the past seven months they've known each other, and Baekhyun even invited them to Chanyeol's birthday party. They met the four most important people in his life and he couldn’t be happier. At least, he should’ve been; it should’ve been something great, right? Well, it would've been fucking fantastic if not for one tiny, itty bitty little problem; he was deeply in love with both Yixing and Jongin and was stuck in a hell of both loving the fact that they were a couple and hating (not them, _never_ them) that he couldn’t have what they had, couldn’t honestly hope that they would ever return his affections the way he wanted them too. 

He honestly expected to find someone else to obsess over. His past relationships should've been proof enough, but this...this was different. Everytime he thought of going out to the club, even signing up for a dating website like in his younger years, he felt sick. He physically couldn't force himself to look at anyone else and it honest to God scared him. He'd never...never felt so deeply for someone like this before, let alone two people who were in a fucking relationship! He seriously thought something was wrong with him, but he still couldn't help seeking them out whenever they were both free. He cherished every text, every conversation, every touch (because Jongin was a cuddly teddy bear when tired and Baekhyun was always the one for affection and physical touch. Yixing being Yixing indulged both of their desires) just everything that made up Jongin and Yixing.

He honestly couldn't distance himself even if he tried. Just the thought of never seeing them again made him want to throw up. He knew he probably grew unhealthy attached to them, but honestly? He didn't care. Even if it hurt him to see them kiss, see them laugh at inside jokes he would never know, to see the lovingly adoring eyes they gave each other when the other wasn't looking. To see how close they sat, how naturally they melded into one being around each other, to see the small, intimate touches that made him feel like an intruder; he would go through it all just to be able to orbit in their circle, even if he was just another planet to their sun. Because that's what he was, wasn't he? Another planet, a friend, an outsider looking in on their relationship. He was nothing more and nothing less and that's what killed him inside.

“I'm truly pathetic, aren't I?” He asked. The responding silence did nothing to ease the cloud over his head. _It's gonna be one of this days, huh._ He wasn't entirely surprised. His month hadn't been the best, and with trying to keep his gushing about Jongin and Yixing to a minimum in the group chat, the thoughts and scenarios he's had have been festering in his mind, making him feel even more pathetic. He huffed, scrubbing a hand over his face as he trudged his way into his bathroom. He flicked on the lights, flinching when the bright fluorescent burned his pupils. Blinking quickly, he grabbed his toothbrush. He avoided looking in the mirror, sliding open his cabinet door and grabbing the toothpaste. _I don't need to look to see how fucking ugly I am._ He grit his teeth, brushing harshly as he tried to will away the tears. _You know you aren't ugly. It's just the mood swing talking. You know you aren't ugly._ He chanted, spitting out the minty foam and rinsing his mouth. _You aren't ugly._

“You aren't ugly.” He said, voice coming out strangled and unrecognizable. He swallowed, iron coating his tongue as he removed off his clothes. He turned the water on as hot at he could stand it and slipped in once the steam fogged up the mirror. He placed his hands against the wall, his skin flaming as the water cascaded down his back. He ducked his head, newly dyed blonde hair sticking to his forehead as he watched the water swirl into the drain.  
“You're not ugly. You're not ugly. _You are not ugly._ ”

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

His bare feet slapped against his floor as he made his way into the kitchen, towel hanging around his neck and phone held in his hand. His hair dripped steadily against his nape, but the cool water helped ground him as he placed his favorite mug under the machine. He grabbed two tea bags from the box near the coffee machine and placed them in the top. He turned the faucet and watched the water fill the pitcher in complete silence, head clear and mind blank as he made his cup of tea. While the tea brewed, he sat down at the kitchen island, staring at his phone. He didn't speak as he clicked it open, the background simultaneously warming his chest and punching a hole into his heart.

Staring back at him was himself, both hands holding the phone as Jongin and Yixing stood behind him. All three were smiling, Jongin's arm wrapped around Baekhyun's shoulder and Yixing's clutching his waist off screen. It was taken back when he had red hair, three months after they met each other. They had been walking through a nearby park when the sun hit them both just right. Baekhyun knew he had to take a picture. That, and Chanyeol was bugging him for a picture of his two neighbors ever since he vented his feelings out in the group chat. Back then, things had been simpler.

He ran his thumb over their faces, comparing their looks from then to now. _Jongin's hair is grey now, and Yixing shaved his sides. I can't tell which hair color and style I like more though, they both look so good._ He thought absently, the only clear thoughts his mind could conjure and it was still about those two. He blinked lazily, the beep of the machine catching his attention as his tea finished brewing. He set his phone down, sluggishly shuffling towards the counter when his phone rang. He sighed quietly, grabbing his phone and answering it.

“Hello?” He almost winced when his voice came out croaky, but couldn't find it in himself to care much now. It's 4 a.m, nobody would fault me for sounding half awake.  
“ _Mr. Byun? It's me, Ms. Yoo._ ” His back straightened at the name.  
“Ah, Jungyeon's mother?”  
“ _Yes, I'm sorry to bother you now, but Jungyeon caught a cold and cannot come to her lesson this week._ ” 

Baekhyun felt his blood freeze. White noise filtered through his ears as he listened to Ms. Yoo talk. _It's not a big deal, she'll be back next week._ He tried to tell himself, but the ball was already rolling. He swallowed, iron the only thing his senses registered as he said his goodbyes to Ms. Yoo. He shakily placed his phone down, gripping the edge of the counter as his breathing picked up. _It's fine, she'll be back next week, Byun. It just means you don't have to go in today, it’s fine._ But he couldn't stop the panic seizing his heart as he slid to the floor, hand knocking against the edge of the wooden counter. He barely noticed the stinging along the back of his hand, eyes watering as he clutched his damp hair. 

_What...what the hell am I gonna do for the today?! Normally, I could handle being alone for a day but...but I can't be by myself for that long, not today._ He breathed harshly through his nose, tears leaking from the corner of his eyes as he rocked back and forth on the cold tile floor. _C..call someone. I can...I can call someone._ He thought, blindly reaching a hand up to grab his phone. His nails scraped against the wood in his haste, but he failed to register that as well as he opened his phone. The sight of his background calmed his heart rate slightly, eyes blinking away the tears as he less frantically pressed the first number on speed dial.

“Baekhyun?” The familiar rumble made him relax against the counter, breath coming out smoother as he listened to the rustle of sheets on the other end.  
“Kyungsoo. How are you this fine morning?” His voice was weak and he could tell his joking tone didn't quite carry across when Kyungsoo stayed silent on the other end.  
“What do you need me to do.” He asked simply. Baekhyun wanted cry in relief. Kyungsoo knew just how to handle Baekhyun when he got like this; not directly calling out his weak attempts at normality, but readily offering himself to help him without asking _are you okay._ That's the thing he hated most whenever he got..got stuck in his own mind because he obviously wasn't fucking okay.  
“Can you sing for me?” He heard Kyungsoo sigh, but it was fond and made warmth bloom in his chest.

“ _Any particular request?_ ” He asked dryly, shifting again. He heard another deep voice and felt the tiniest bit guilty that he woke up Sehun too.  
“Anything is fine.” He said, standing up to grab his now cold mug of tea. He sipped at it all the same, waking slowly to his room to grab his comforter. He walked back to the main room, plopping down in his couch and wrapping himself in his blanket.  
“ _Well, I want to hear She's Dreaming._ ” Sehun said, yelping lightly afterwards. Baekhyun let out a quiet snicker, already imagining the annoyed curl to Kyungsoo's lips.  
“ _I didn't ask you, did I, brat?_ ”  
Sehun whined. “ _But he said he didn't have any preference! I'm just making things easier._

“It's alright, She's Dreaming would be perfect right now. Nothing like the old classics, right?” He joked quietly, smiling when Kyungsoo sighed again.  
“ _Fine, just stay quiet while I try and remember the lyrics._ ” He grumbled. After a moment, he began singing. Baekhyun to melt into the couch, eyes closing as he faintly hummed along. He lost himself for a bit in the song, head feeling foggy as he sipped his tea. Kyungsoo’s voice had always calmed down his mind whenever he let himself sink. Singing to him whenever he went too deep into his mind was something he used to do daily when they were sharing a dorm, and the habit to call him whenever he felt himself lose control never did wither away. He smiled a bit when Sehun did the rap, and even sang along when his favorite part came up.   
“ _A dream that will be forgotten._ ” He finished, the silence after the last note peaceful and warm. Baekhyun was hoping to fall asleep, but he was still too wound up for that.   
“ _Baekhyun?_ ”   
He hummed.   
“ _Another song?_ ”  
He laughed sheepishly. “If you wouldn't mind. I'm...I'm almost calm enough for work today.”  
“You know I don't mind doing these things for you, Baekhyun.”  
“ _And neither do I! I love hearing Kyungsoo's voice too, and it so cute how soft he goes-oomf!_ ” Sehun wheezed. Baekhyun laughed loudly.  
“ _Shut it, brat._ ”  
“ _Why'd you hit me!_ ”  
“ _Because you talk too much, now be quiet._ ” He heard Sehun huff, but he listened and stayed quiet.  
“ _Name?_ ”  
“They Never Know.” He heard Kyungsoo chuckle.  
“ _Now you're really getting into the classics._ ”   
Baekhyun smiled softly. “Well, it was my mother's favorite song.” There was a heavy pause, the air growing slightly somber before Kyungsoo started to sing.  
“ _I’ve opened all of me for you. My eyes, the deepest part of my heart._ ” Baekhyun let his eyes close, heavy pit in his stomach unraveling the tiniest bit as he listened to Kyungsoo.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

“-Byun? Mr. Byun?” He blinked slowly, eyes taking a minute to focus on the body in front of him.  
“..Amber?” The little girl nodded, eyes concerned as she stared at him.  
“You look a little tired, Mr. Byun. We can take a break if you'd like.”  
Baekhyun felt his stomach clench, cheeks burning in shame as he shook his head. _I didn’t get any sleep last night, or the night before...or the entire week before that. Why the hell am I so..so pathetic? It’s been a full month since my last near panic attack, I should’ve moved on by now, why-_ He silently hissed when his nails pierced his palm. He felt a painful sting, but there wasn’t a wetness to his skin, so he knew he didn’t puncture the flesh deep enough. He swallowed, shooting Amber a (hopefully) convincing smile. She still seemed wary, so he quickly brushed off her concern.  
“I'm..I'm fine, Amber. Where's Henry?” He looked around, but couldn't find her twin anywhere.

“He went to get some drinks, you look like you need a coffee.” He hid a grimace. He didn't really drink coffee when he was in his moods, made him anxious and twitchy.  
“Ah, thank you. I'm sorry for-” he was stopped by a hand on his own.  
“No need, Mr. Byun! It's the least I can do, especially since you've helped Henry so much!” She smiled. He gave a weak one back.  
“All I did was help him refine his voice, Amber. He was the one to do all the hard work.” Henry had a small lisp that he was incredibly embarrassed about. His father had tried taking him to speech therapy, but it only fueled his fear of talking instead of helping. It didn't help that kids in his grade always made fun of the way he spoke. His father finally tried singing lessons, seeing as Henry loved to sing before the bullying got too bad. For the first month, it didn't seem to change much. But, as Henry grew more confident in his singing, he was more willing to speak. After five months, he was speaking full sentences instead of one word answers. His father called it a miracle, Baekhyun preferred to think of it as Henry growing to love his voice and owning his little lisp.

“Basically the same thing.” She said without blinking, a cheeky smile on her face as Henry walked in carrying three cans. He gave Baekhyun a shy smile as he handed him the green tea.  
“Here Mr. Byun.” He said softly, lisp present on the 'r’. Baekhyun grinned.  
“Thank you, Henry.”  
Amber frowned, cracking open her mango juice. “Why didn't you get the coffee?” She whined. Henry shook his head, already sipping on his lemonade.  
“They ran out.” He said, shooting a wink at Baekhyun. _I really love my students._ He thought, smiling and giving Henry a cheesy thumbs up. After finishing his tea, Baekhyun checked the time.  
“Oh wow, it's almost time for you kids to go.” _How long did I pass out for?_  
“Huh, already!” Amber shouted, pouting as she stared at the clock.  
“Yeah, I guess time flies by fast.” He laughed, gathering their empty cans and tossing them into the recycling bin.  
“Well...since we only have ten minutes left, I guess you two can just relax.” He said, smiling when Amber whooped and pulled out her phone. Henry sat in Baekhyun's swirly chair and pulled out a manga. Baekhyun snorted, but leaned against the wall as he watched his students.  
“Do you mind if I play some music?” But she was already clicking away at her phone, a familiar song blasting out of it's speakers.  
“Is that Red Flavor?”

Amber grinned. “Yeah! It's one of my favs. How do you know it?”   
“I heard it on the radio a lot.” He said, rolling his eyes at her skeptical look.  
“I listen more to the old stuff anyway, EXO and NCT.” He shrugged, jumping when she squealed.   
“You listen to EXO?! Can you sing White Noise? Black Pearl? Lotto!” He raised a hand, smiling exasperatedly as she covered her mouth.  
“Okay, Amber, let's calm down a bit, hm?” He breathed out when she nodded.  
“Sorry, it's just none of my friends are into old music and I'm kinda the only one, besides Henry of course!” She said the last bit when Henry gave her a pointed look.  
“I get it, but we only have time for one song, it's almost time-” He was cut off by a knock on the door. Frowning, he checked the time again. _He's early today._ Baekhyun thought, shooting Amber an apologetic look.  
“Maybe next time, kiddo.” He said, opening the door.  
“You're here a bit early today, Mr.-” He froze, eyes widening at the familiar face in front of him.

The hair color was different, dark brown instead of strawberry blonde, but it was still the same Taeyeon. Her eyes widened in shock, bubble gum pink lips parting as a delicate hand came up to cover half of her face. He then noticed that gold band on her finger and he felt his already pale face turn whiter.  
“Baekhyun.” She whispered, tone soft and slightly horrified. He swallowed, iron a familiar tang on his taste buds as he stepped back.  
“Amber, Henry.” He called, voice and face carefully blank as he let the kids run past him.  
“Auntie TaeTae!” Amber shouted, wrapping her arms around Taeyeon’s waist. Henry hung back, gripping onto Baekhyun's sleeve as his eyes flickered back and forth between the two. He was always the more observant if the two. Baekhyun thought, smiling softly and ruffling Henry's hair. At Henry's hesitant stare, he gently pushed him towards Taeyeon.  
“Go on, Henry. I'll see you next week for you lessons.” He said, nodding when Henry still looked unsure. 

“...See you next week Mr. Byun.” He said, lisp still prominent as he squeezed Baekhyun's hand.  
“Amber, Henry. Your father's waiting in the car.” She said, pushing them towards the parking lot.  
“You aren't coming with.” Henry stated, dark eyes bright underneath his mop of brown hair. Taeyeon nodded, smile strained as she patted both of them on the head.  
“Yes I need to...speak with Mr. Byun for a short while. Tell your father I'll be home in an hour, alright?” They nodded, walking together to the car. Baekhyun almost begged them not to go. He didn't..he didn't want to talk to Taeyeon. Was he bitter, angry? Not really. Hurt? Most definitely. And seeing her face alone brought up the old scars that were long buried. _Or so you like to say. You know they've been sitting just under the surface; stitched together messily with alcohol laced thread. The pain never truly went away. Scars a constant presence, just waiting ripped open again._ A voice hissed in his mind, and he honestly couldn't find it in himself to disagree.

There was a heavy silence, Baekhyun looking anywhere but Taeyeon, fingers gripping his belt loops tight. He could feel her stare. But he refused to look her way. He couldn’t...he wouldn’t look her in the face.  
“Baekhyun..please look at me.” Her voice sounded almost close to tears, which was odd because why was she crying? He should be the one that’s crying right now, not her.  
“What do you want, Taeyeon.” His voice came out weaker than he wanted it to be, but he was seriously pushing his limit.   
“I want, I want to apologize, Baekhyun.”  
That startled a laugh out of him, the sound broken and twisted. “ _Apologize?_ ” He spat, suddenly irritated by everything. He looked her square in the eyes, the sorrow and guilt in them angering him even further.  
“Apologize for what? Breaking my heart? Leading me on? Or just not caring about my feelings in general?” He sneered. Taeyeon flinched, her heels clacking as he stepped back. Her face looked wounded, eyes teary as she stared at him.

“For everything, Baekhyun. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that, no one does. It’s my only regret in life, Baekhyun. You deserved so much more than what I gave you...” She said, sniffling as she gripped the ends of her dress tightly. Baekhyun grit his teeth, anger slowly fading away. Bitterness and exhaustion replaced the anger, headache forming the longer he stood there and listened to her muffled cries. He was never one to hold onto anger for long, the emotion too tiring to keep up for more than a moment,  
“I just...I just want to explain to you what happened. Please, can you let me do that.” She begged, mouth trembling, cheeks flushed an ugly shade of red and eyes watery. He sighed, gripping his belt loops tight as he jerked his head.

“My train doesn’t come until 5:30. You’re lucky Amber and Henry were my last session.” He said, voice cold as he walked to his desk. He plopped down onto his chair, resting his elbows on the arms rests as she walked in.  
“You have until then to explain to me why the fuck you were such a hard ass bitch when I would have given the world to you.” She didn’t even deny it, just sat down in the chair in front of his desk and began to talk.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Baekhyun sighed, arm hanging onto the pole as the train moved. He chewed his lip, thoughts racing as he turned over the information Taeyeon had just given him.

Her parents has disowned her when she came out. So, at the time, she was crashing at her brother’s place while trying to get back in her feet. On top of that, her best friend had found a boyfriend. It would’ve been a cause for celebration, except she was in love with her best friend. From then on, it was the cliche where she used someone else to try and get over her crush. She was bisexual, so it wasn’t like she was completely lesbian. She just, leaned more towards females than males. That’s why she thought it could work. Obviously she was wrong.

And for the most part, she seemed regretful for her treatment of him. It made him feel a little better knowing the reason, but did it help heal the scars left behind? Not even a little bit. Was he still bitter? Angry? Hurt? It was little hard to say at the moment. He honestly just felt so...emotionally drained that he could barely keep himself upright. _A little longer and I’ll be home. Just...just a bit longer._ He gripped the pole tighter, his hand stinging from the grip. He grimaced when he saw the bandage. _I really need to be more careful._ He stared at the bright white square on his hand, stomach sinking when his skin was only a shade lighter than the bright patch. _Sleep. Sleep and food is what I need_. But even as he thought about it, he knew he was only gonna get sleep. He could barely keep down the bagel he made for breakfast that morning. There was just no way he was gonna eat anything now. _Just tonight...I’ll eat in the morning_. He lied to himself, stomach gurgling in protest as he disembarked off the train. He walked quickly out of the station, eyes trained on his shoes as he maneuvered around people. He could feel the acidic burn of bile at the back of his throat, a tell tale sign of what was to come. 

He was practically running now, rudely pushing past people as he saw his apartment building. _Almost there._ He covered his mouth when he felt himself gag, briefly looking up at their balcony. He felt a cool sense of relief when he saw their door closed. When they were home, they liked to air out their apartment and open the sliding door. _At least I don’t have to worry about them._ He pushed open the door, beelining for the stairs. He took two at a time, gagging again when he made it to his floor. He forcibly held back the vomit, shakily opening his door and slamming it closed. He bolted for his bathroom, pushing his bedroom door open haphazardly as he ran into the dark room. He flipped the switch, flipping the toilet lid up before falling to his knees. 

The lights flickered on, the fluorescents casting a pale glow onto the toilet, the white surface mocking him as his knees roughly scraped against the tile. His hands grasped frantically at the porcelain bowl, heaving as he ducked his head near the opening. Tears pricked the corners of his closed eyes as he coughed, the revolting taste of stomach acid clinging to his tongue as he hacked up bile and the remnants of his breakfast. His lungs screamed for air, tears streaming down his cheeks as he shoved his face into the bowl. His throat burned as he coughed harder, opening his eyes when he tasted blood on his lips. Sure enough, flecks of red stained to clear liquid in the bowl, only a few chunks of digested bagel seen floating, swaying gently as he spit out leftover vomit and phlegm. 

His stomach rolled at the sight, wretching his face out of the bowl and stumbling onto his ass, chest heaving and tears drying on his flushed cheeks. He took in multiple ragged breaths, mouth tasting like blood and stomach acid, nostrils coated in the stench of vomit, as he fought to clear his mind. After just staring into space for another moment, he slowly brought up his hand to wipe his mouth. He stared blankly at his hand, a fleck of spittle and blood marking his skin. _Disgusting._ He wiped his hand on his pants. He swallowed, shakily standing up as stray tears trailed down his face. He shuffled to his shower, unbuttoning his shirt as he turned the knob. The hissing of the water hitting the shower wall proved to be soothing background noise as he carefully maneuvered himself into the bath. 

He watched the water leave trails over his skin, slowly washing his shoulders as the tension from earlier melted. The smell of his coconut vanilla body wash drowned out the scent of vomit, and he breathed in slowly, savoring the sweet smell as he rinsed off his body. Soon enough, his skin was flushed a healthy pink and he felt clean enough to get out. Pruney fingers reached for the knob, turning it off and hanging his scrunchie around the shower head. He stepped out of the tub, his dirty clothes catching stray droplets of water as he reached for a clean towel. He sluggishly dried himself off, mind tired and thoughts fuzzy as he hung the towel back up. He slide open his cabinet, grabbing his toothpaste. He mechanically brushed his teeth, bending over stiffly to spit out the foam. He rinsed his mouth out, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he glanced at the pile of clothes on the ground. Gathering his clothes, he walked out, fully naked and too tired to honestly care. 

His hair was still wet, small drops dotting his carpet as he threw his dirty close into his basket near the bathroom. He grabbed the shirt he put on that morning, the fresh scent hitting his sensitive senses and making his nose scrunch up. He slipped the garment on, grabbing a random pair of sleep pants, sighing when the soft fabric covered his bare legs. He shook his head roughly, not caring when water landed on his covers. He jumped onto the bed, burying his face into his pillows. He breathed easily as he finally let himself rest, eyes closing and mind falling into a dreamless sleep.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhh finally finished!  
> thank you to all who've read this shitty fic  
> but, it's still my child and i put so much hard work into it that i can't help but feel a little pride that it's complete, even if the ending could be so much better, im just glad i finished it  
> maybe ill return in the future to make this better? idk i just wanna be done with it, lol  
> So, for the final author's note for this chap please comment/kudos if you feel so inclined and i hope you enjoyed the ride that this fic was!

A knock on his door startled him awake. He groggily got up, licking his dry lips as he shuffled outside of his bedroom. He didn't feel as bad as yesterday, but his chest still held a weight in it that felt almost suffocating, breathing slightly labored as he sniffed. The knocking on the door did nothing to help his headache either, stomach screaming at him for something to eat, but mind rejecting the thought of food. He couldn't find it in himself to yell out in annoyance, so he settled for a glare as he opened the door. _I called off work for a reason, so whoever is bothering me is gonna get-_  
“Jongin?” He croaked, eyes widening. Jongin stood nervously in front of him, holding a blue lidded bowl of...soup?  
“Baek! Luhan said you didn't show up, and I wanted to come see if you were alright.” He said, smile shy as he held the bowl. Baekhyun blinked dumbly, mouth parted open in surprise.  
“Yea..yeah just had a rough day yesterday...what's with the bowl?” He asked quietly, throat still sore.  
“Ah, Yixing’s trying out a new recipe, and wanted to share it!” He smiled, but the worry in his eyes was as clear as day. _Oh god...I must look terrible! No wonder he looks like I'm gonna keel over any second._  
“Oh, well...come in.” He moved over some, watching Jongin walk in before shutting the door.

“Where is Yixing? Didn't he make the soup?” Baekhyun asked, following Jongin into the kitchen. Jongin rolled his eyes, setting the bowl down on the counter.  
“He had to go down to the University, fix up some papers one of the instructors misplaced.” He huffed, shooing Baekhyun away when he reached for one of the cupboards.  
“Nuh-uh. I'm making dinner tonight. You just sit your pretty little head down and rest.” He patted Baekhyun's head, cheeky smile on his face as he gently pushed Baekhyun down into one of the chairs. _Pretty?_ His heart thumped painfully, giving a shy grin back as Jongin opened the cupboard.  
“Was it Mr. Wong or Ms. Kim this time?” Baekhyun asked, picking up the previous conversation as he tried to will away his blush. Jongin scoffed.  
“Mr. Wong. Ugh, I think he just has a it out for Xingie.” He started, dumping two bowls worth of soup into the pot. Turning it on a low heat, he opened the cupboard next to the stove and grabbed two bowls and cups. _Has he really been here that often enough to know where I keep my things?_ His smile was bittersweet as he watched Jongin work.

Baekhyun listened to Jongin rant, already used to the grievances the younger had with the old ballet teacher. _It feels...so natural to just sit here and listen to him like this. I can..can almost pretend like we’re actually together..._ He bit the inside of his cheek hard, the corners of his eyes burning as he tried to swallow back the sorrow that hadn’t quite left him since yesterday. Sorrow might be too strong of a word, but he definitely wasn’t okay. He breathed in deeply through his nose, the smell of tomatoes and sizzling bread making his stomach roll. In hunger or disgust, he couldn’t say. He forced a smile when Jongin turned back to him.  
“So, what do you think?”  
Baekhyun blinked, gripping his sleep pants when he sighed.  
“You haven’t been listening to a word I said, have you?” He pouted, hands clamping down on his waist as he stared Baekhyun down. Baekhyun laughed lightly, the sight of his infamous ‘puppy pout’ easing the guilt that was currently gnawing at his chest.  
“Sorry, Jongin. It’s been...it’s just been a long week.” He mumbled, before realizing how _miserable_ he sounded. Jongin’s pout morphed into a concerned frown as he brought his hands to rest against the counter, only a few inches away from Baekhyun’s own.  
“Baekhyun…?” He trailed off softly, voice tinged with worry as he stared into Baekhyun’s eyes. _Shit, shit! Abort, abort,_ _ **a fucking bort Byun!**_  
“A-ah, but next week will definitely be better! I’m just being a bit silly s’all.” He forced out a laugh, the sound awkwardly loud in the quiet room. 

He swallowed again, the faint taste of iron at the back of his throat as he tried not to scream. This was just...he didn’t want to break down into the pathetic mess he knew he was. Were they his pillars? Of course, and he already told them about his mother and father...even his first love, but he never really explained his..habit to them. His ridiculous habit of falling in love too easily. It sounded foolish in his own mind, he could only imagine how it would be saying out loud. He honestly felt embarrassed...embarrassed of his stupid feelings and embarrassed that he had so many partners. He didn’t want them to look at him any differently just because he had multiple past relationships, feared that they would badmouth him like some of the people in his past did.

Now, he knows that they would never judge him, knows how sweet Jongin is and how understanding Yixing is. Knows these two men better than anybody else, but fear is something that knows Baekhyun just as well, if not more. Knows just what to suggest, what to whisper in his mind to have him spiraling back into his pit of self-hatred and longing. _Baekhyun_ , it would croon sweetly, _Baekhyun, why would you ever want to tell? Do you know how disgusted Jongin would look if he found out just how used you were? Can you imagine the look of utter contempt on Yixing’s face when he heard how you whored yourself out to so many others before them? They certainly don’t want a relationship with the likes of you, but the small percentage of a chance you could’ve had with them would be ruined. After all, why would someone want a pathetic, used little whore like yourself?_ (He knew it had a name, the voice that tells him those cruel, cruel words; knew what it was but he refused to say it. Saying it made it real, made him feel like he was being suffocated by labels whenever he visited his aunt and she asked, and she always asked; made his ex friends and partners treat him like glass when he told them or they encountered one of his mood swings. _Mood swings_ , yes. He quite liked the sound of mood swings better than the other word anyway. Made it seem like it was only temporary, that the voice would leave and he could go back to being normal)

His hands were suddenly engulfed in warmth and he felt smooth fingers squeeze his own.  
“Your feelings aren’t silly, Baekhyun. They matter and you can’t keep them bottled up inside. It isn’t good for you if you do. You know Xingie and I are here for you whenever you need to talk,” He said, eyes serious but earnest as he gripped Baekhyun’s hands. Baekhyun felt some tension leak out of his shoulders, fingers squeezing back tightly as he fought to keep his tears at bay.  
“I know, Jongin. It’s just...it’s hard..and I don’t want to unload my problems on you guys. You two, you-” _deserve better than someone like me._ He took in s sharp breath, shaking his head as Jongin squeezed firmly.  
“Please, Baekhyun? I hate seeing you like this. I hate...I hate that neither of us can seem to help you.” He pleaded, eyes looking suspiciously wet as he stubbornly held onto Baekhyun’s shaking digits.

“You always look so...so sad.” Jongin took in a deep breath, blinking away his tears as he softly cradled Baekhyun’s face in his palms. Baekhyun felt his cheeks heat, heart thumping against his chest painfully as he stared, transfixed by the tiny flecks of gold in Jongin’s eyes.  
“You look so upset, Baek. Everytime you look at us,” Baekhyun felt his heart stop, fingers no doubt leaving little crescent-shaped marks in his thighs from how hard he was clutching them. _Oh god no, please...please not now…_

“The rest of you may be smiling, but your eyes never fully are when you look at us. They look..look both happy and pained. Your eyes..they’ve always been so expressive, even if you never wanted them to be. They tell what really goes on in that beautiful mind of yours.” He said softly, thumbs gently tracing the dark circles under his eyes. _Jongin…_ He wanted to tell him to stop, wanted to push him away. Wasn’t this too intimate? What was Jongin doing? He tried to conjure up the energy to move, but honestly couldn’t. He just felt...felt so _tired_. Tired and lonely. Baekhyun sniffed and leaned into the hands cupping his face like he was something precious; something delicate, cherished, _loved_. 

Jongin paused, eyes widening slightly before they softened and he gave a small smile, although there was a sadness to it that made Baekhyun’s heart ache.  
“See? There’s that look again.” Jongin sighed, fingers putting the slightest bit of pressure against Baekhyun’s cheeks as he leaned his forehead against Baekhyun’s. Baekhyun flinched, now only centimeters away from a man, _one_ , of the men, he loved so dearly, but knows cannot have. _Who says you can’t_? Something hopeful blooms in his chest, before he tries to squash it down. _It’s no good getting your hopes up like that, you know where you stand, Byun._ But even his thoughts sounded weak in his head, because why else would Jongin do this? There is a line between platonic intimacy and romantic. This had clrealy crossed that line into dangerous, unknown territory. There was..clearly an underlying feel to his tone that made a stubborn spark of hope ignite his heart, the organ beating even faster as an almost giddy feeling rushed through him. _Stop it. Byun. Stop it or the fall will be so much more worse._ He, yet again, ignored his thoughts. He slowly brought his hands to rest on Jongin’s belt loops, gripping the rough denim in in fingers as he stared back. He felt Jongin’s breath stutter against his lips, the warm puffs setting his skin ablaze. 

This isn’t the closest he’s been to Jongin, but it’s the most intimate position they’ve both been in. He could clearly count the faint acne scars sitting across his cheek, could see the slight stubble dotting his the place above his upper lip, could count each and every eyelash fanning across his tanned cheeks as he closed his eyes. _He’s so...beautiful._ Baekhyun felt his eyes burn, water blurring his vision as he gripped the fabric in his hands tighter, pulling Jongin closer. His heart felt like it would pop right out of his chest, the organ beating so fast that Baekhyun was scared that it actually might happen. 

“Jongin. What...what does this mean.” He whispered, closing his own eyes. He felt Jongin take in a breath, fingers moving from his cheeks to grasp his shaking hands again.  
“What do you think this means?” He whispered just as quietly, his stare heavy even if Baekhyun had his eyes closed. Baekhyun bit back a scream. _I’m obviously asking because I don’t know you fucking jerk!_ He was about to say something when fingers were back on his face. Only this time, it felt different. One of Jongin’s hands cupped his left cheek while the other slid to his neck, gently kneading the tense muscle there. Baekhyun felt his entire body flare with heat, breath coming out in soft pants as he snapped open his eyes. 

“Jongin, what are you-”  
“We’ve seen the way you look at us, Baekhyun.” He intoned softly, eyes never leaving Baekhyun’s as he trailed his fingers down from his cheek to grasp Baekhyun’s chin, tilting it up as he continued.  
“We knew how you felt from the start. We knew and we wanted..wanted to get to know you first.”  
Baekhyun felt his heart stop, eyes widening as Jongin rubbed his thumb against his bottom lip. His brows were furrowed, an emotion buried deep in its dark depths that Baekhyun wasn’t sure he was seeing correctly, but something he’d recognize any day.  
“What...what are you trying to say?” He asked, the question coming out more breathy than he intended. There was a buzzing sensation going through his body. He felt jittery, but it wasn’t from anxiety. 

Jongin swallowed. “What I’m trying to say is-”  
There was a loud knock on the door, surprising both men as Jongin jumped, removing his hands from Baekhyun as he scooted back. Baekhyun brought a hand to his lips, the pressure of Jongin’s thumb still lingering as he breathed in deeply. _Was...was he about to say...?_ There was another knock and a familiar voice spoke up from behind the door. 

“Baekhyun? Nini?”

_**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~** _

As soon as Yixing had entered, he had immediately pushed Baekhyun to sit down on the couch, ordering Jongin to grab a blanket as he felt Baekhyun’s forehead. Baekhyun tried to explain that he was fine--just looked like shit-- but Yixing was having none of it. He wrapped Baekhyun up in his comforter and handed him his tv remote, before dragging Jongin off into the kitchen to finish making their dinner. It took about thirty minutes before the tomato soup was reheated and the grilled cheeses were done. They brought out the bowls and plates, as well as drinks and set them on the small table in front of the couch. They were all going to sit on the couch to eat, so Baekhyun scooted over to the edge to leave the two room to cuddle up like usual.

He was surprised when Yixing tsked and manhandled him to sit in the middle. He shot Jongin a confused look over Yixing’s shoulder, but all the other did was wink and smile. Confused, he just let it be, grabbing his bowl and balancing a half of his grilled cheese on the rim of the bowl as he tentatively took a sip. He blinked, before scooping in another mouthful.  
“Oh my god, this is so good.” He groaned, spilling the soup on the corner of his lip as he slurped more of the warmth into his mouth. He heard two low chuckles and two warm bodies settled on either side of him as he bit into a corner of his triangle.  
“I’m glad you like it. Found it on some weird housewife’s website.” Yixing grinned, dimple denting his cheek as he bit into his whole sandwich. He hummed, eyes flickering over the tv in front of them. He turned to a random channel, honestly too preoccupied with trying to calm himself down than finding something to watch.  
“Have you seen this movie yet? I know Sehun and Chanyeol did last week. Told me it was good.” Baekhyun asked, glancing at Jongin from the corner of his eyes. He was busy dipping his square into the soup to notice Baekhyun’s look, thankfully.  
“Hm, not yet. Nini and I were going to plan a day, but why not make it today then?” Yixing said, shrugging as he casually threw a hand over the back of the couch, holding his grilled cheese in the other hand while balancing his half empty bowl on his leg. 

Baekhyun swallowed a mouthful of soup, glad he had the comforter to hide his flushing cheeks when he felt Yixing’s hand run through his messy bedhead. He felt too tired to dye it anything else last week, so it was in its faded stage. _Was Jongin serious when he said they knew? Have they been playing with me this whole time? No, no they wouldn’t do that! Besides...Jongin said they wanted to get know me first...does that mean…?_ He swallowed quickly, opening his mouth to say something, but stopped when something caught his eyes behind Baekhyun. He twisted his lips to the side in an angry pout as he shoved the rest of his sandwich into his mouth, grumpily chewing as he avoided Baekhyun’s eyes. Frowning, Baekhyun turned around.  
“What was that?” He asked, glancing back and forth between a pouting Jongin and calm Yixing.  
“What was what?” Yixing asked, eyes glued to the tv screen as he continued to pet Baekhyun’s hair.  
“Why did Jongin start pouting all of a sudden?” He glanced back at Jongin, who was still pouting but the tips of his ears were now tinted a light pink.  
“Oh, Jongin just needs to stop being impatient s’all.” Yixing shrugged, shooting Baekhyun a sly smile as he twirled a curl on his finger.  
“He got a bit out of hand while I was away, so he’s being...punished.” Yixing explained, smile curling into a smirk at Jongin’s disgruntled whine. Baekhyun blinked, mouth parting in shock as he whipped his head back to Jongin, who was still avoiding his eyes.  
“Did I say you could make a noise, Nini?” Yixing tutted softly. Jongin shook his head no, fluffy brown fringe falling into his eyes as he slightly curled in on himself, previous behavior vanishing under the attention of both Baekhyun and Yixing. It was honestly kinda cute, in Baekhyun’s opinion, but he shook his head to clear the thought away. 

“What do you mean out of hand?” But even as Baekhyun asked, he already knew what Yixing was referring too.  
“He was supposed to wait until I got back to start talking to you. He clearly did not. Therefore, he’s getting punished.” Yixing said quietly, fingers lightly pulling at Baekhyun’s hair to bring his attention on him.  
“How far did he get.” He asked, eyes dark and fingers tugging a bit harder when Baekhyun wasn’t quick enough to answer.  
“He said...that you wanted to get to know me first…” He trailed off, not quite sure what else to say. Yixing hummed, removing his hand from Baekhyun’s hair as he got up.  
“I’ll clear away the dishes, you two, just wait here. I feel like it’s time we get this whole mess sorted out.” He said, lightly running a hand through Jongin’s hair before grabbing the empty bowls and heading into the kitchen. After a moment, he came back. Baekhyun watched him, gripping his blanket tighter when Yixing sat on the edge of the couch, laid back playfulness gone as he stared seriously at Baekhyun. Baekhyun swallowed, heart thumping against his ribcage as he patiently waited for Yixing to say something.  
“Baekhyun.” 

He nodded jerkily, sweat making the palms of his hands sticky as he gripped his fingers together tightly. Yixing seemed to hesitate now, eyebrows furrowing as he chewed on his lower lip. Baekhyun felt a hand grab one of his, intertwining their fingers together and squeezing reassuringly. Baekhyun looked to Jongin, but he was nodding his head at Yixing encouragingly. Yixing relaxed slightly, taking in a deep breath before speaking.  
“Do you...have feelings for us..?”

_**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~** _

Baekhyun huddled deeper into the blanket wrapped around his shoulders, glancing into the kitchen and giggling when he could see Yixing scolding a pouty Jongin as they did the dishes. He just honestly couldn’t believe those two were finally _his_ now. He could now kiss away Jongin’s pout whenever he saw it. Could now wrap Yixing up in a bear hug when he was clad in his favorite baggy grey hoodie and light pink unicorn sleep pants because he was just too adorable in the mornings. He could now do all the things he wanted to with them, and more. He could finally feel...feel loved like the way he always wanted too, how he’d been searching for nearly his entire life. He could finally feel...complete.

Nothing was one hundred percent perfect. There would still be days where he could barely make himself move, barely get himself to eat, where he’ll feel so sick he’ll need to visit the bathroom. His mood swings will come and go, feelings of worthlessness and ugliness will still attack his mind, but he doesn’t have to be alone anymore. He has two amazingly handsome, kind and caring boyfriends to help him when he’s too scared to ask. 

He smiled, whining playfully to catch their attention. Jongin and Yixing both turned at his shout.  
“Give me attention! I’m needy!” He whined, stretching out the ‘e’ in needy as made himself as cute as possible. Yixing shot an amused smile his way, before nudging Jognin.  
“Looks like our boyfriend is calling for us.” He snorted softly, wiping his hands on his shirt as Jongin beamed, hair flopping into his eyes as he rushed over to the couch.  
“There’s no need to whine, honey.” Jongin grinned, wrapping Baekhyun up in his arms as he peppered his cheeks with kisses. Baekhyun giggled, whining in complaint when he saw Yixing just standing behind the couch.  
“I need both boyfriends to satisfy my neediness!” He made grabby hands at Yixing as Jongin nuzzled his face in Baekhyun’s hair.  
“You heard ‘em.” He mumbled, lips curling into a smirk when Baekhyun whined even louder, breaking out the puppy dog eyes when Yixing only stood there with an amused look on his face.  
“Xing!”  
Yixing sighed, eyes glowing with fondness as he jumped over the back of the couch.  
“Yeah, yeah. C’mere, sweetheart.” He mumbled, opening his arms as Baekhyun wiggled out of Jongin’s hold. He sat himself right on Yixing’s lap, dragging Jongin closer when he got himself settled. 

It took a bit of maneuvering, but all three were sufficiently tangled in one another as a random movie played on the tv. Baekhyun smiled, playing with Yixing’s calloused palm as Jongin smoothed out his hair. _Looks like the fall wasn’t such a bad thing after all._


End file.
